We’re all familiar with the term cougar. The stereotypical over-40 divorcee dressed in tight jeans, stilettos and a halter top, crashing a frat party. The young man/older woman configuration has become so ubiquitous there’s even a network sitcom starring Courtney Cox built around it. I haven’t seen Cougar Town but these days the subject matter is hard to miss.
I’ve recently become familiar with an offshoot of the cougar phenomenon. Young men actively trying to hook up with older women. These guys are called cougar chasers. I’ve had a couple of experiences with them myself recently. This whole thing is so off my radar that it took me awhile to figure out what was going on. It’s been troubling me ever since.
I keep thinking about some predatory young man wanting to “experience” an older woman. I’m imagining a divorced mid-life woman, flattered by the attentions of a younger man, allowing herself to believe him and getting her heart broken. It’s a game for the young man and people are bound to get hurt.
I’m sure there are young men out there who are sincerely interested in and attracted to older women and older women who are sincerely interested in and attracted to younger men and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that. Not my cup of tea but, to each her own.
I conducted my own tiny survey, asking my 22-year old niece and my 23-year old son if they were familiar with cougar chasing. Neither seemed surprised by the question and both readily agreed that it’s going on. Obviously there are examples of one person going after the attentions of another for reasons other than true love in every possible couple configuration but this one is new to me and as a single, mid-life woman, I find it very disturbing. Don’t we have enough to worry about?
So what do you think? Have you had the attentions of a very young man turn inexplicably towards you? (Did you find it inexplicable?) What was your reaction?
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8 comments:
While I haven't enjoyed the attention of a young guy lately, I'm thinking that if I did, I'd recognize it for what it was... a fling. I had a long-term relationship with a guy 7 years my junior, and we were very far apart in so many ways. I had my s**t together in terms of my career -- he was trying to figure out what he wanted to be when he grew up. I paid my bills -- he avoided answering the phone because of the creditors. I was confident where he was searching. Now that I'm 41, if I were to date a guy in his 20s, I think the gap would be worse. And I think I'd see the relationship as a fun escape but not a long-term commitment. I just wouldn't want to deal with his growing up for very long.
Of course, I'm writing this from a place of happiness. I'm in a good spot in my life, and I feel very fortunate. If I were an injured, lonely woman, perhaps I'd convince myself that the younger guy before me was really interested in me as a life partner.
Eh, who knows? Perhaps the problem is that I've never liked them younger. My boyfriend is 10 years my senior, and I'm just fine with that.
Thanks for the thought-provoking question.
Hi Beth! I'm right there with you. I've never been attracted to younger men so I think I'm safe on this one but the possibilities are troubling to me.
I'm so happy to hear that thing are going well for you!
I can say as a young man who fell for a few cougar tactics in my day, it might actually be a mutually beneficial relationship.
I won't get into the physicality of the "relationship", but I actually learned a few things at how to be a better guy. I knew the basics: opening doors, pulling out chairs, etc., but I'm talking more about the good stuff.
How to have a real conversation with a woman. How to actually shut up and actually listen (as a Venetian would). These are things that greatly helped me when dating women of my peer group, or slightly younger.
Call me crazy, but I've never been attracted to the 20 texts per hour, tequila shooting sorority coed. I always wanted a woman with her s**t together and in my lower 20s, that wasn't always easy to find.
Hi Matt - thank you so much for chiming in. I hope I didn't give the impression that I think every young man who is interested in older women is a ne'er do well. There are certainly no rules for what makes a happy couple. I'm glad you had some good experiences in this area!
I have to agree with Matt,
At 19 I was dating a 28 year old lady because the 19 year old girls around me drove me nuts. We enjoyed each other's company and I felt challenged to keep up socially.
But as Beth pointed out, it wasn't a deep relationship, and when it had run its course, we went our separate ways: her with a little more self-confidence and me with a little more maturity.
When I did find a special lady to settle down with, she was my age, but likewise had typically dated men a few years older. Our relationship far less complicated than those of our peers, and I am inclined to think that we both developed stronger communication skills by having more senior partners.
I might also point out that the younger lady - older man dynamic has received no shortage of attention. I like that it can go both ways now. Fewer social barriers means more people finding what's right for them.
Hi Nate and thank you for your comments. I'm glad to have another male sounding in with a positive experience. Maybe things aren't as bleak as they seem!
While I cannot imagine my mother as a "cougar," that is what she was, by your definition. At age 38, she married my then 28 year old father, and stayed married for the next 44 years. That was in 1947. As a child, I had no sense of their age difference, but it was brought home to me when I asked my dad if he took my mother to her senior prom, and he responded, "Not hardly! I was in second grade at the time!"
Hi Grace - What a great story! I bet your parents raised some eyebrows in 1947. Hurray to them for standing firm. Rest assured, cougar is not my word and I think it refers to a predatory older woman "hunting" a younger man. I think cougar chasers are younger men actively seeking an older woman just for the experience of having one. That's the part that troubles me. I suspect your parents were neither of these things. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
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