My Internet friend, Allison Allen from WomenBloom, recently asked her readers about their take on the idea of female communal living. Allison posed the question in her WomenBloom forums, on her Facebook page and on Twitter and she's been getting some interesting responses. I'm a little ambivalent about it myself and wanted to expand on the topic a bit more.
As I wrote about in Fear of Bag Lady Syndrome, women are living longer and living alone more frequently than ever before. The chances of even a happily married woman outliving her husband are great. We're all heading down this road and we're all looking for answers. Is female communal living a good approach?
One of the responses Allison received outlined a plan that sounded pretty good. Basically her reader described a small community with separate homes for each individual but with some communal areas as well. The women in these communities would help each other by running errands, taking each other to the doctor, maybe a little communal cooking; and some other tasks of that nature. Ideally, this set up would allow the residents to live independently for longer. In other words, we'd all live our own lives there but also look out for each other.
In a lot of ways I like this idea. My ambivalence stems from my concerns about how men would be treated in these communities. I have not yet given up on the idea of having a man in my life and I'm not sure about moving to an all-girl community. What if I brought a man home to my little bungalow? Would I have to sneak him in under the cover of darkness? Would he be stared down by the other community inhabitants? Would I be subtly shunned by my friends who had gotten so sick of men they no longer wanted to be around any? What if things got serious? Would I be forced to move from a home and community I had grown to love?
I am part of a strong circle of female friends in their fifties for whom I am thankful and with whom I spend a great deal of time. They are primarily all in happy long-term marriages but let's face it, when you've been married a long time, happily or otherwise, you welcome the chance to get away with your girlfriends and forget all about men for awhile. The problem is, I'm in a different place right now. Since these girls are my closest friends, I find that most of my social opportunities these days are girl's trips. Dinner parties are falling by the wayside and being replaced by long afternoons of playing Scrabble and drinking prosecco. I love my friends but I enjoy having men around once in a while too. I guess I worry that living in a female community might end being something like a never-ending girl's weekend.
Another Interet friend, Funny About Money, who has an excellent blog of her own, left a comment on my Bag Lady Syndrome post about almost purchasing a triplex in concert with two female friends. They had some legal issues they could not resolve and ended up walking away. This idea really appeals to me. In fact, I could easily see myself entering into that sort of an arrangement with female friends or family members.
What’s your take on female communal living? Are you interested? What are some issues you feel would need to be addressed?
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5 comments:
A friend and I have realized that re-enacting the Golden Girls tv program is probably in store for us. She has already taken the role of Blanche, and my job will be to make sure that she makes it home safely from her dates. I guess I'll be the cantankerous friend. The idea seems wonderful. Why should all of us be alone when we could be together? We're already talking about where we should relocate.
Though I am happily married - and plan to stay that way! - no one can have a certainty about what the future holds. As you mentioned, my chances of outliving my spouse are good, coupled with having only sons whose wives may not want me moving in with them someday. (hard to believe since I'm so fabulous, but I'm trying to be realistic) I think the idea your reader mentioned of coming together with family members or friends to purchase something like the triplex is a great solution. My fear, even more basic than financial difficulties, is the fear of living alone and having no one to notice if I weren't up and about. Living independently but closely enough to people who truly care about me - like you - seems like a wonderful way to spend my old age if I end up a woman on my own one day.
It's an interesting idea, isn't it?
Seems to me if the dwellings were separate or at least joined only by a common wall (rather than being an apartment building with hallways, or even a single house with several tenants), a well-behaved man would not be unwelcome.
Men do have their uses, after all. ;-)
Speaking from experience, I can say that living alone has its rewards, and it also has its scary moments. My former mother-in-law had the luck to buy into a condo complex where the neighbors were friendly and looked out after each other. There were several older women who began to check on each other each morning to be sure the paper had been taken in and there was a sign of life. If she got distracted with something and didn't pick up her paper by a reasonable hour, someone would call to be sure she was OK.
That would be nice. The widow who owned my last house before me fell in the garage and broke her hip. It was two days before Don, the neighbor, noticed he hadn't seen her and found her on the floor. She died a few days later in the hospital. I find that very spooky. Not only am I surrounded by reclusive neighbors who never speak to each other, because the area's not great every door and window is secured, so it would be hard for emergency workers to get in.
One neat thing about Sun City is that you can get a special lockbox for the Sheriff's deputies and the fire department where you can stash your housekeys. This makes it possible for them to get inside without your having to leave a key under the welcome mat for the burglar. Every municipality should do that.
I’ve thought about this for a while, and my main concerns would be the legal/financial kinks that would need to be worked out, and the privacy issues. Some kind of compound/multiplex arrangement would probably work best for me. I’d like to keep my own place and yet have others whom I knew (and liked!) nearby and available for some shared activities and responsibilities. Let’s face it – some things are just difficult or impossible to do alone and as we get older it is nice to have someone we can call on. A shared arrangement of some kind would preserve independence and yet keep the risk factor low. It sounds smart and creative to me, instead of just resigning ourselves to the status quo. I’d want to have a contract or written agreement of some kind. There are always situations that can arise that could get sticky – and having “board meetings” about communal interests would be wise.
My sister looked into communal living. My thought is that I would enjoy an entire community. Men, women and children would be a part. There would be an agreement that all would eat together when they could and provide for each other emotionally.
I can't see just living with old people. I don't plan on being old for about 40 years (52 right now). Laughing with friends would be a good way to be old though.
Pie in the sky- maybe- but the pioneers did it!
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