I have to admit, fear of becoming a bag lady is starting to creep up on me. Record numbers of women are living alone these days and we’re living longer. We’re starting to worry about what is going to happen to us when we’re too old to work or when no one is willing to hire us. I’m in a good place in my life right now with an exceptionally good job, which I do from home, and which allows me a great deal of free time. I’m paying down my debt and socking away money as quickly as I can but, having got a late start, I have some concerns about getting where I need to be financially by the time I need to be there.
My primary client is twenty years older than I am and although he’s self-employed and says he’s going to work until they drag him drooling out of the room, chances are better than average that will happen before I’m ready. Then what? Assuming we even get that far, where does a 50 plus year old woman go to find a job? I’ve been working hard to build up additional revenue streams and have every reason to believe they will continue to grow, but will they be enough? I was joking with one of my sisters last night and said I’d probably have to come and move in with her as there is no Wal-Mart in my town. She said that would be great. A part of me is afraid I may not be joking.
Midlife women today grew up during a time of great strides in female empowerment. In spite of that, I suspect most of us assumed we’d be married and our husbands would be, if not supporting us, at least helping. We’d have these partners who were there for us financially, emotionally and physically. Now we’ve discovered that through divorce, death or various random circumstances, things just didn’t work out that way and we’re in the trenches alone. It can be a scary place.
I keep reminding myself that at 47, I’ve easily got twenty years or more of earning potential and, even with a late start, I’ve still got time. The problem is, the days of thinking I’m set and just have to keep my head down and go to work for twenty more years, are over. Those gold watches for a lifetime of employment with the same company are a thing of the past. My biggest concern is starting over. What then? Like a lot of women, I’ve worked hard, I’ve lived well and I don’t want to end up as a greeter at Wal-Mart or a cashier at Jack-in-the-Box when I’m 70. Assuming I could even get a job in one of those places.
What are some things we can do to help corral these fears?
1. Figure out if your fears are rational or irrational.
No one can truly know what the future holds but try to take a good, clear look at where you are and where you need to be. Is your home paid for? How much money do you have stashed away in various retirement, savings and investment accounts? You may be in better shape than you think you are.
2. Stay Healthy
No matter where you are right now, a serious and/or long-term debilitating health issue can completely wipe you out in very short order. While it’s impossible to anticipate and ward off all future health problems, eating right and staying physically active will go a long way towards keeping you out of the doctor’s office. Hate to exercise? Think of it like money in the bank of your good future and do it anyway! Make sure you have health and long-term care insurance and that your policies are paid up and active.
3. Know exactly where you are financially
Have a clear understanding of where you stand financially. Even if you are currently married, chances are good that you will outlive your husband. Do you know where all your accounts are? Is your name on everything? Do you understand your investments? Unpleasant though you may find it, sit down, go through it all, and keep asking questions until you know that you can take the reins and do it competently and with confidence. Advisors are wonderful but they do not absolve you of the need to understand and be able to make decisions about your own finances.
4. Keep your social network active
Women alone are much more likely to become destitute and homeless than are women with a healthy social network. Relationships with friends and family can be complicated and, like all relationships, take work. It’s worth it. We all need friends we can call on in times of need. Not just for financial support but mentally, emotionally and physically. Just like the song says, people need people. Make sure your social network is alive and well and thriving. Get out there and put the time in; it will be worth it in the long run.
5. Make a plan
Being proactive is a great way to combat fear. Figure out where you need to be and how you are going to get there (or as close to there as you can). Work while you can, save what you can, don’t incur unnecessary debt. Stay or get healthy. Keep or make friends. You cannot predict the future but your current actions can certainly shape it.
I’m a firm believer in the power of positive thinking but we need to be realistic. Don’t allow yourself to live in fear but do patch as many holes as you can!
Are you living with Fear of Bag Lady Syndrome? What are you doing about it?
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10 comments:
Hooh boy, this is a biggie. It IS scary.
I think many of us midlife women were socialized as girls to still believe in the prince who would ride in on his white steed, marry us and live happily with us ever after. We were born and were young girls while getting and staying married was still the 'norm'. But, oh yeah, did society make some big changes in the meantime.
Not expecting a man to take care of me financially, unh unh, but it would be nice to have someone building financial security along with me, ya know?
That is why the idea of living in community is so interesting to me. There are just so many of us who are divorced or widowed, or childless, or simply have kids who live far away. Who will help us stay independent?? Living individually with everyone owning their own house, car, computer, lawn tools, appliances, etc is a very expensive way to live.
I think we're going to be looking at some very different ways of living. I like to think we can help each other out that way so at least if we're greeters, we'll have people who care about us to come home to :)
It is a serious fear. I married and was a stay-at-home mom for years, always assuming we'd live off my husband's retirement when it came that time. After 21 yrs I couldn't handle staying married to a man who'd become abusive any longer. Now in my 40's I'm in an okay position working 2 jobs that barely paying all the bills. Saving is nearly impossible. Going to college is basically impossible at this point. Maybe after my youngest graduates in 2 years. The fear I may become a burden to my kids at a later date is definately there. I read an article on the growing problem of tent cities earlier today. Several people interviewed stated that they hadn't told their kids they were homeless and I can totally understand not wanting to be a burden on them. The chances of social security totally going bankrupt before I retire makes it even that much more scary.
A very scary topic, but an opportunity for insightful examination of one's own motivations.
Bag ladies have three common traits:
--no supportive family or friends
--no income
--no meaningful employment
As the article said, relationships need work, so don't expect your social network-building activities to consist of nothing but tea and crumpets (or martinis and scampi). If you've spent most of your life saying "I'll show him" or "I'll tell her" then sure enough, the time will come when you have nobody to show or tell.
Have you spent any time volunteering at the institutions that you yourself are going to need in your later years, like Meals on Wheels or the Diabetes Foundation? Your social network isn't just friends and family. Have you spent ANY time volunteering, anywhere?
Have you treated your financial assets as part of your inner identity, or have you at some time relied on others to do that for yourself? Please, no excuses of "I was raised to expect my husband to provide for me". It's about twenty years too late for that. Read Gloria Steinem's biography - despite being one of the most successful female editors and the most prominent feminist of the 20th century, she lived out of boxes and slept on couches until her forties, expecting at some point to meet and marry the man who would take care of her.
And who among any of us signed an agreement stating that we wouldn't have to be Walmart greeters or fast-food servers in our later years? I see people in those roles and I admire their initiative and character. Some take those jobs willfully for the social contact they provide. The nature of the work in no way detracts from the dignity of the worker. Who can expect to maintain a "high-touch", high-risk career (consultant, corporate manager) into their 70's? and have you worked to diversify your income stream so that NO single income source, even your investments and savings, is irreplaceable?
What a good article you had today! We do have a Wal Mart here – you’ll probably outlive me, but if I’m still around, you can come live with me and be my caregiver (uh-oh), assuming I still have a roof over MY head!!
@Allison - you're right, it is scary. It's also amazing how many of us are worrying about it. I think I'm going to address that issue of communal living over here too, I'm intrigued.
@Tammy - good for you for taking those steps. I have to say, while I wouldn't want to be a burden on my son, I'd move in with him before I'd be homeless. I'm startled by you saying there are homeless people whose children aren't aware of it. That's very sad. Good luck to you.
@Vinny - Thanks so much for the insightful comments. We really do have to work to create and maintain those social networks. I think they are one of the single most important aspects in the fight against homelessness. I'm pretty involved in charity work and volunteer weekly for one organization and monthly for another. So important in so many ways!
@Anon - Thanks Mom!! (LOL)
Thank you for stopping and leaving such thoughtful comments. I appreciate it!
Your points about keeping your social network alive -- and Vinny's about volunteering -- are well taken. I don't know that having friends and a social network will keep us out from under the Seventh Avenue Overpass, but they may help stave off the fear of that happening.
When I first left my husband, I truly was terrified that I would be living in poverty, even living on the street. I used to buy up stacks of canned goods on sale, so I would have food when the day came that I ran out of money.
Interestingly, that day never came.
I was almost 50 when I got a university teaching job -- nontenurable, but it provided health insurance and a living wage. At 58 I landed my present job. It certainly is true that there IS discrimination against older workers. But I don't think it's insurmountable.
Now I worry about an old age in penury: will my savings, much depleted in the crash of the Bush economy, support me when I'm too old to work? I sure can't live on the laughable Social Security payments I have coming. Will property taxes and utilities rise so high I won't be able to afford to stay in my paid-off house during retirement? It happened to a relative in California; my state is about to jack up property taxes even as values continue to sink.
It's a huge concern for single women.
Like Allison, I also find the idea of community living arrangements interesting. I don't want to live WITH someone (I value my solitude), but I'd like to live IN CONCERT with others. Some years ago, a friend and I came across an attractive triplex in a quiet upscale suburb east of Scottsdale, Arizona. There were three of us--her, a friend in a wheelchair, and me--who were looking for new housing. It occurred to us that we could get together and buy this thing, each of us occupying one of its units, and operate it as a kind of de facto "association" in which we would look out for each other and pool our funds for services such as yard work, cleaning, and old-age care.
We couldn't figure out how we would handle certain contingencies, though. If one of us died or wanted to move, would the other two buy out the person's estate or the person? Suppose one died and one of her kids wanted to move into the condo...then what? What if one of us was carted off to a nursing home with little or no chance of returning...what would happen to the property and any common maintenance and services costs then?
It was so complicated we couldn't figure it out, and so we let the opportunity pass. But it's an idea that might be worth considering.
Hi Mary,
I'm 47 and a single mother, and I've just discovered your blog.
I'm enjoying it, and I find this post quite relevant.
I've joked for years (being the feminist rebel) that women need to form communes to address these issues. Now I'm thinking it isn't such a wild idea. Yes, as FAM pointed out, there would be legal hurdles, but I think it would be an interesting challenge to pursue.
@Funny - As far as friends are concerned, I'm quite positive I could move in with any of mine, if I needed to. Same goes for my family, so I'm blessed that regard. In spite of your current circumstances, it's inspiring that you were able to find a job a 58. That's the part I fear the most, losing my current situation and not being able to find another.
That triplex situation sounds perfect. Too bad that didn't work at the time. Maybe its something to look for in future. A smaller situation like that appeals to me much more than a sort-of gated female community. Times are certainly scarier for the nearly retired and the newly retired. If only we can hang on.
@MtnMama - I'm so glad you found me! I hope you'll leave your thoughts on my female communal living post as I'll be interested to know what your concerns are.
Seems to me some of the problems with the triplex idea, which is basically a good one, could be solved in a rental situation. Why not rent out three or four contiguous units? Owning a home is not necessarily the be all and end all, especially as we get older and shy away from leaving problems for out children to solve after our deaths.
I have the bag lady fear, too. But I thought that I was the only one.
At one time in my life I was divorced, lost a job, and still had to provide for three children. I started a business and then had to file for bankruptcy. The house was foreclosed upon, the car was repossessed. And shame and humiliation set in.
From that time forward, I work 2 jobs. Now, I have recovered financially and I am still thriving, but I still work 2 jobs.
I am afraid to just be employed by one place!!
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