When Does What We Look For In A Partner Change?

Alice Gorman wrote an article for O Magazine some time back outlining how, in a moment of despair over a bad love life, she compiled a list of 100 things she wanted in a man. Her list was very specific. She stuck the list in the back of her closet and forgot about it. Five years later she met the man who would become the real love of her life. During an argument with him she produced the list. He matched up in every way except for two. She said that making the list was like giving up what she wanted to the Universe and this man was what the Universe sent her. Sort of like a “vision board” for a mate. Oprah also investigated this topic on her television show. There were several people interviewed on the show who had done this very thing successfully.

It got me to wondering, if I were to make such a list, what would be on it? I think my list would include such things as being open and honest, communicative, demonstrative and trustworthy. Self-supporting, shares some common interests with me and a sense of humor would also appear on my list. It occurred to me that no physical attributes, other than possibly being relatively physically fit and taller than me, came to mind. Even when I thought about it, I still couldn’t come up with any other physical attributes about which I cared.

Little girls tend to play imagination games including planning their weddings and what they want their boyfriend to be like. Ask any 10-year old girl how many bridesmaids she wants and I’ll bet she’ll be able to tell you without a moment’s hesitation. She probably also knows what her colors will be, all about her flowers and what songs will be sung at the reception. If you ask her about her boyfriend she will have that all figured out as well. She’ll most likely be able to describe him in detail. She probably will also tell you how many kids they’re going to have and about their pets. I remember my imaginary boyfriend was 6’2”, had blonde hair and blue eyes and was slim. I’m sure I spent a lot of time conjuring him up and dreaming about him. I had no thoughts at all about what sort of person he would be or what sort of values he would have. I suspect we spent a lot of time mooning around holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes. Serious stuff! (Note – I’ve never, in all my "real" life, had a blonde boyfriend!)

Somewhere along in there, thankfully, we grow up and our wants and wishes change. Clearly that’s a good thing since I suspect all that eye gazing would get pretty tedious after awhile. When exactly does that happen? Does the change occur as a result of years or experiences? Obviously there is some of each but I wonder which has the stronger influence. I suspect it is experience. When we realize that our knight in shining armor might have a spot of tarnish on him and we’re okay with that, the change begins.

I guess I’ll make that list and throw it in the bottom of a drawer. I may or may not be posting on the results at some point in the future but, what the heck, it can’t hurt!