Today my son and I are heading for the “big city” to do some shopping (gulp!), catch a movie and spend the night. Tomorrow I’ll put him on the plane back to Oxford, Mississippi, swing by the big grocery store and come on home. We’ve had a great week together. I love to cook and have enjoyed having someone for whom to do it. Having said that, I feel like I’ve spent a week doing nothing but prepping, cooking and cleaning up the kitchen! I now know why I didn’t become a really good cook until I no longer had to produce a meal every evening after a full day at the office.
In the spirit of having a nice visit, we’ve not yet talked about grades and the future. While he didn’t flunk any courses last semester, he didn’t do too well, either. I guess we’ll have that conversation this evening in the hotel. Reviewing my 2008 expenses, I averaged $550 a month to keep him at OleMiss. I plan to continue paying half his rent through May and then no more. He’ll have all summer to work full time and save his money so he can pay his own rent next year, his fifth year of college. I will continue to make up the difference between the cost of his tuition and his financial aid. As a single mother of an only child, we are very close and it is not my nature to take a hard line with my son. Now that I know where every penny goes, I’ve become more aware of the strain he is putting on me financially. I can’t help but think about how much more quickly I could reach my financial goals if I were done shelling out that college money, which I thought was ending in May. I can certainly tough it out an extra year but it was not in my plans and, since he doesn’t seem to be working all that hard, I’m not happy about it.
When I get home tomorrow, I need to buckle down. I’ve got loads of work to do, both the kind for which I am paid and the kind for which I’m not. I’ve got to get my yard bedded down and neatened up for winter, finish the gift I’m working on for my parents (yeah, I know!), close out my books for 2008, analyze the figures and set up my goals for 2009. Plus about a million other things. I have a lunch invitation for New Year’s Eve with my girlfriends and that will probably be the extent of my socializing for that holiday.
Yesterday I took advantage of having my son home and got him to help with taking down and packing up all the Christmas decorations. At least that’s done. As we packed, I couldn’t help but reflect on the big and unexpected changes in my life in the month since I put them all up. I know by the time I put them back up again in eleven months I’ll be reflecting on all the wonderful things that have happened since I took them down. I’m trying to “keep my eyes on the prize” of a future rich with promise.
What about you? What are your predictions and goals for yourself for this upcoming year?
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8 comments:
I hope you reach your financial goals for 2009. My youngest finished his schooling this year and I am thankful that it is over.
I haven't thought much about 2009 yet but since it is Monday and this is the last partial week of the year I know it will be on my mind alot.
Happy New Year to you and much success in reaching your goals for 2009!
Mary
I found this site through tbd - I am simplyfifties, hope you don't mind. also dwallroth@yahoo.com
I have twin sons that are both seniors in college (now) and I am an only child myslef. Both my boys did not do well in school at first (private schools in MA and great IQs - so I know the transitors are there), so I strongly suggested that they work first and what a big change. One worked as a salesman for cingular (he could not stand it) and the other worked all year as a landscaper and got terrible poison ivy, but did it for a year. I told them if they did not change their attitudes, these were the jobs that they would have to do for the rest of their lives (I appreciate why this might be tough for you to say, but loving him means letting him know the score - sounds like you really know the score, I would suggest that you not insulate him from this gift, this life-lesson so to speak). Ned is now at Bentley University with a 3.9 in his major (by the way he works full-time and is a full-time student; he learns by doing) and Peter works with me in my biotech company full-time and goes to school full-time at Harvard's School of Continuing Education where he should graduate cum laude with a Harvard degree. I must tell you the most important thing is for them to feel really good about themselves AFTER they graduate. Spending money on college and graduating with that sense of accomplishment is all so important - my boys would have just kept taking and graduating with mediocre results - this does not set them up for success down the road. I actually think that my boys will do very well on their own now. Had I not made them take that detour, I don't think they would have appreciated the money that was being spent. I also made them put their own skin in the game; I feel this is such an entitled generation (thanks to our need to take care of them) that they need to put at least something into it. This is the other key ingredient, do not take on the full monetary responsibility on your own ($550 per month - split it with him and let him get a loan). My twins are 24 now and are smokin' I would be glad to discuss with you whenever.
Best regards, Don Wallroth
781-640-8013
Patience! Boys take a long time to grow up. They say that men don't reach full psychological maturity until about the age of 30...which in my kid's case seems to have proved true.
His father and I also contributed a great deal to his survival in college and in his first years out of school. Like yours, our son was an only child. We could afford to help him and we were happy to do so (well...i dunno how happy the 2nd wife was, since she had her own hopelessly dependent kid that she wanted my ex- to support). He got a decent job out of school and got by surprisingly well living in San Francisco, a wildly expensive city.
The dot-com bust put him out of work for almost a year and forced him to move back to the desert, where he promptly landed a (perfectly dreary! abysmally paid!) job and lived with his father for a couple of months until he was able to make his escape to a ghetto apartment. Expecting to find work in the City after he was laid off, he had lingered in S.F. and put his rent on his credit card, so that by the time he got back here he was over his head in high-interest debt.
I helped him by cosigning for a low-interest loan at the credit union so he could get out from under the credit cards. Later, he and I copurchased a cute little house as a fixer-upper/investment (we wrongly thought the real estate market had hit bottom). Since then, he has paid off the credit union loan 100%, has exactly zero credit-card debt, and is covering about half the house payment. He will take on a larger proportion of it as his job situation improves...assuming it ever does.
He has changed so vastly since he was in his early 20s (he was a good kid but sometimes difficult) that there's no comparison. Contrary to some friends' sink-or-swim advice, I do not think we erred in helping him financially. The only way you can keep your kids in the middle class today is to transfer financial as well as cultural capital to them.
While coming up with my half of the mortgage with my investments in the tank (I pay it out of investment income) has become a strain, my son is taking over more of the payment and he also has quietly begun buying things for me that he knows I would not get for myself. Seeing that he has come into his own and is building a solid future makes the financial effort worth it. What the heck...you can't take it with you!
BTW, college grades at state schools are virtually irrelevant in the job world. Unless you went to Harvard or Princeton, employers don't care what you did in school; they want to know what you can do on the job. Obviously, one would not like one's kids to waste cash by flunking out of school, but a C or B average is not a serious barrier to a successful career.
Thanks all for stopping by and leaving such good comments. I appreciate it. Lest I sounded like I just resent spending the money, I really don't. What I am unhappy about is spending the money and then looking at his grades and seeing two D's! He was always a great student until last Spring when he started sliding. Now that he won't graduate in May, I'm afraid he'll slide away!
@Carole - Congratulations on getting your kids through school. I'll be you breathed a huge sigh of relief! One of my goals for 2009 is to have some chickens in my backyard!
@Anon - I did make my son get a job and start paing half of his rent plus all his utilities and his groceries. I also make him take a small loan each semester, just so he has a financial stake in his education.
@Funny - I'm trying to be patient! He's a good kid, I just think he's kind of losing his focus. My parents loaned me the down payment for my house when I was 44 so I know we don't stop contributing just because they reach a certain age. I guess I'm just ready to stop contributing to college. It never occurred to me that he would take longer than 4 years to finish. It's just kind of torpedoing my financial plans at the moment!
Thanks again for everyone's words of wisdom. I appreciate it!
Mary,
I'm not sure what your son's major is but it is pretty typical for kids to take 4.5 - 5 years to graduate.
I hope this spring semester will be good for him.
@DebtFree - he's a theatre major, off to L.A. to be the next Spielberg when he graduates! That 5 year thing is another peeve of mine that I wrote a post about awhile back. I don't totally blame him for that part, that's for sure! As Funny said, I need some patience!
Funny and others are right. Grades matter not a whit unless student is planning on grad school or law school or med school.
Tell your son to graduate so he can get to CA asap.
Also, I'm a teacher myself, but I've got to acknowledge that some teachers don't put in much effort. Sounds like your son might be bored...or have a boring teacher. That's no excuse, of course; life is full of dull and unqualified people who have power over you.
@Frugal Scholar - hopefully grades won't matter so much at film school, either - his next stop! Of course, in the fullness of time, none of this stuff will matter. It's just wearing on me a bit. Thanks for your comment!
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