I’ve been a little out of sorts today, which is how I tend to get when I have too much on my plate. I’m not always good at saying no and every now and then it catches up to me. One of my friends wanted some help digging and dividing some bulbs the other day and gave me a call. When we got to the location it turned out she had no tools and no idea how to accomplish the task. It ended up more like her helping me than other way around. That happens to me a lot. Another poor sick friend has called several times throughout the week needing my help, which I’ve been happy to give. Tomorrow morning I have to be in court, 70 miles away, for a hearing on my CASA case. CASA is an organization for which I volunteer. When I’m done there I have to rush the 70 miles back here to do my four hours of volunteer time at the local library. When I get off I have to go to a gathering for another volunteer organization. Friday evening I’m signed up to work for two hours at a silent auction fundraiser. I’m signed up for two more hours on Saturday night. Most of Saturday morning and half of the afternoon I’ll be tied up at a social event. I’m exhausted and unhappy just thinking about it all.
I say yes because I’m flattered people ask me and because I want to be of use. My obligations grow and grow until I have no time at all and then I start saying no. Finally I get back to where I’m not doing anything and the cycle starts again. I know I’m not unique in my hesitation to let people down. I think it’s a trait that most women have. We are givers and we tend to keep on giving and giving until we become resentful. So how do we fulfill our natural instinct to be generous givers without giving too much? How do we learn to say no?
First, we need to figure out our priorities and set them firmly in our minds. We only have so much time and we need to determine how to best utilize it for ourselves. Family? Bolstering our additional revenue streams? Education? Socializing with friends? Volunteering for an organization in which we believe? We need to keep our time allocation goals clearly in our minds so when we are ambushed by someone trying to sign us up for something, we already know whether or not we really have time for it.
We can not make everyone happy! However we do it, we need to empower ourselves by saying no. Be nice but be firm. If they want our time for something that is not on our priority list, we need to tell them we are so sorry, we wish we could help but it just won’t work out this time. I’ve heard a tip about buying some time by saying you have to check your calendar but that just means you have to revisit the issue. I think it’s better to get it over with. I’m afraid, with more time, we’ll just convince ourselves to do what the requester asks, “just this once more”.
Dr. John Gray, in his best seller, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, discusses how men and women perceive giving differently. Women keep giving, expecting a natural back and forth flow of giving and receiving between themselves and their partner. Men on the other hand, feel that if the woman is still giving, it must not be their turn yet. They wait until the woman has stopped giving before they start giving. The result of this disconnect is that we keep giving and giving, and eventually getting more and more resentful. Our man, on the other hand, is sitting back thinking he must be some great guy to have earned all this giving. The answer? When we feel the first twinges of resentment, we need to stop giving, stop doing, stop being so helpful! According to Dr. Gray, we may find that when we stop, he starts! Whether that happens or not, stopping before we become resentful is the key. Once we’re mad, it’s too late. I have employed this strategy a few times with both male and female friends. It’s not about their reaction it’s about mine. Stopping before I become resentful helps my psyche and my relationships immensely! Clearly, lately, I’ve fallen off the wagon. I’m going to get though the next few days and then I’m going to polish up my skills for saying no.
What about you? Do you give too much? What are your strategies for pulling back?
I say yes because I’m flattered people ask me and because I want to be of use. My obligations grow and grow until I have no time at all and then I start saying no. Finally I get back to where I’m not doing anything and the cycle starts again. I know I’m not unique in my hesitation to let people down. I think it’s a trait that most women have. We are givers and we tend to keep on giving and giving until we become resentful. So how do we fulfill our natural instinct to be generous givers without giving too much? How do we learn to say no?
First, we need to figure out our priorities and set them firmly in our minds. We only have so much time and we need to determine how to best utilize it for ourselves. Family? Bolstering our additional revenue streams? Education? Socializing with friends? Volunteering for an organization in which we believe? We need to keep our time allocation goals clearly in our minds so when we are ambushed by someone trying to sign us up for something, we already know whether or not we really have time for it.
We can not make everyone happy! However we do it, we need to empower ourselves by saying no. Be nice but be firm. If they want our time for something that is not on our priority list, we need to tell them we are so sorry, we wish we could help but it just won’t work out this time. I’ve heard a tip about buying some time by saying you have to check your calendar but that just means you have to revisit the issue. I think it’s better to get it over with. I’m afraid, with more time, we’ll just convince ourselves to do what the requester asks, “just this once more”.
Dr. John Gray, in his best seller, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, discusses how men and women perceive giving differently. Women keep giving, expecting a natural back and forth flow of giving and receiving between themselves and their partner. Men on the other hand, feel that if the woman is still giving, it must not be their turn yet. They wait until the woman has stopped giving before they start giving. The result of this disconnect is that we keep giving and giving, and eventually getting more and more resentful. Our man, on the other hand, is sitting back thinking he must be some great guy to have earned all this giving. The answer? When we feel the first twinges of resentment, we need to stop giving, stop doing, stop being so helpful! According to Dr. Gray, we may find that when we stop, he starts! Whether that happens or not, stopping before we become resentful is the key. Once we’re mad, it’s too late. I have employed this strategy a few times with both male and female friends. It’s not about their reaction it’s about mine. Stopping before I become resentful helps my psyche and my relationships immensely! Clearly, lately, I’ve fallen off the wagon. I’m going to get though the next few days and then I’m going to polish up my skills for saying no.
What about you? Do you give too much? What are your strategies for pulling back?
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